A very serious 7th Heaven story, not to be mocked
by Funny Hat US
Summary: This scene, from 7th Heaven, is very serious, and must be taken with a very serious point of view, and must not be laughed at, because it is not good natured fun, it is serious, serious, serious.
1. Default Chapter

Scene: Camden Kitchen Lucy is sitting, reading a book. Enter Mary.  
  
Mary: Hi Luce, what's that?  
  
Lucy: Oh, it's just my history textbook. Today I'm reading about the history of the Reformation in France.  
  
Mary: What's that?  
  
Lucy: I dunno, something about a bunch of guys with silly hats. Some pope with the white hat didn't like these helmet guys called the Huge-0 Astronauts or something. Anyway, it's kind of dumb, but I'm interested to see how it all turns out. Haven't you heard of the Reformation? That's where Robbie went to school for a while. Reformation school.  
  
Mary: No, I mean, what is France.  
  
Lucy: Geez, Mary, you are such an imbecile. France is that part of Canada where they speak different. Like the spell things with an E where we spell things with an A. You know, the Montreal Canadiens? What did Robbie ever see in you, you moron.  
  
Mary: Shut up, twit.  
  
Lucy: Bring it on, dumbellina.  
  
Mary: Where's Robbie, anyway? I want to shamelessly throw myself at him again. I know he loves me deep down, even though that's virtually impossible to tell because he never changes the expression on his face. Lucy: Shut up. He obviously likes me more than he likes you.  
  
Mary: You're a shameless tramp.  
  
Lucy: Me? Think about it, you're the one who throws herself at every guy.  
  
Mary: Well, you listen, you..gurgle. you.. Sffrppt. boyfriend!.. duh duh duh.. Hair gel!  
  
Lucy: What?  
  
Mary: Sorry, I temporarily forgot how to speak English because I am an imbecile, and I was reduced to random words and gurgling noises to communicate. Hey, there is somebody under the table!  
  
[Enter Robbie, from under kitchen table]  
  
Robbie: Hi girls.  
  
Lucy: Robbie, what were you doing under the table?  
  
Robbie: I was practicing stalking. Mrs. Camden showed me how.  
  
Lucy: Oh really.. Wait wait wait, I didn't really over-act that time, let me try again. OH REALLY!!  
  
Robbie: I'm sorry, but no matter what you do I won't change my facial expression. Well, maybe if my girlfriend comes over I'll fake a half smile.  
  
Mary: Hey Robbie, would you care to join me in the garage for an overly elaborate and utterly preposterous plan to get you alone so I can throw myself at you again, as if you were the only male member of the city of Glen Oak who wasn't married to me?  
  
Robbie: Elaborate? Preposterous? Those are some pretty big words for someone who gets confused putting on nail polish.  
  
Mary: Alright wise guy, this is parody so bear with me a bit. Robbie: Well, since you just broke the "fourth wall," can I mention the email of the author of this scene?  
  
[Enter Happy]  
  
Happy: No, I'm going to enter and say it. I'm the most neglected dog in the city. Have you ever seen anyone feeding me, taking me for walks, cleaning up after me? The email is FunnyHatUS@yahoo.com, and the website is www.geocities.com/funnyhatus. Good bye.  
  
[Exit Happy]  
  
Robbie: Wow, I never knew Happy could talk.  
  
Mary: Gurgle, pptpppt, duhhh  
  
Lucy: This scene is getting tiresome. I'm going to go upstairs and plan my outfits for the next week and think of other things to argue about with Mary. See ya.  
  
[Exit Lucy]  
  
Mary: Where is Simon?  
  
Robbie: He's on a date.  
  
Mary: Do you know where my parents are?  
  
Robbie: Stalking him. Your dad put on a fake mustache and is pretending to be the waiter, and your mom hid in the trunk of their car.  
  
Mary: I wish they'd stop doing that.  
  
Robbie: I agree. But considering that your father knows every police officer in the city, I don't think we have anything to worry about. I think he has dirt on them too.  
  
Mary: I'm sorry, I'm incapable of having more than a few minutes of conversation dedicated to something other than my romantic life. Despite my failed efforts to corner you in the garage alone, would you care to go into the living room so I can once again throw myself at you?  
  
Robbie: Ok. But before we go, let's talk to Matt, who is now entering.  
  
[Enter Matt]  
  
Matt: Where's Ruthie?  
  
Mary: She's upstairs teaching the twins to smoke.  
  
Matt: Ok. I hope she's finished my medical school applications. I'm really nervous she won't get it done on time.  
  
Mary: Why didn't you just do your application yourself? And aren't you upset about the smoking thing? I was just kidding anyway.  
  
Matt: I'm to preoccupied with my own life to be concerned with such trivia as smoking. As for the applications, I don't think it's wise for me to be filling out my own, do you? Ruthie is, clearly, the most intelligent member of the household, even at age 11.  
  
Mary: Well, what are you going to do when you have to go for your interview?  
  
Matt: Gee, I don't know. Looks like we're going to have a Very Special Episode where I confront Ruthie. Or something.  
  
[Enter Simon, Eric, Annie]  
  
Simon: Couldn't you have at least let me finish my appetizer?  
  
Anne: No, that girl was trouble, Simon. I'm very disappointed in you. That girl looked as if she had some coca cola under her arm.  
  
Simon: Coke? Wow, have your standards gotten harsher. Besides.  
  
Annie: Silence! I am the master here, and despite my borderline psychotic behavior, you will obey!  
  
Eric: Simon, what you're mother's trying to say is.  
  
Annie: Shut up! You're only going to encourage him. Besides, we are going to talk later, alone.  
  
Eric: Oh joy.  
  
Annie: You're already in enough trouble as it is, Reverend Camden. Take that!  
  
Eric: Aaaahh! Did you shock me? Were you carrying that remote control the whole time?  
  
Annie: Yes. And every time you disobey me, I will activate the electrical current I've placed throughout your body.  
  
Simon: You two take all the fun out of teenage angst.  
  
Annie: Good. Go to your room. But make sure you come down in 30 minutes or so, so that we can have a tearful reconciliation.  
  
Simon: Fine, fine, fine.  
  
Eric: Atta boy, son.  
  
Annie: Ha!  
  
Eric: Aaaaah!  
  
[Exit Simon. Enter Lucy]  
  
Lucy: Mom, can I go to a party tomorrow night?  
  
Annie: Who is taking you?  
  
Lucy: The son of the mayor of our town. Here is a complete psychological report on him, along with the results of an FBI background check, plus a complete dossier I had the CIA put together. I also have 3 letters of recommendation for him.  
  
Annie: No, I don't know the boy. I have arbitrarily decided he is a bad influence.  
  
Lucy: Mom! I'm sure it's fine.  
  
Annie: If you agree to have him over to the house before you go, I'll consider it, assuming he passes the polygraph and no secrets come out after we give him the truth serum.  
  
Lucy: Oh, forget it. Instead I'm going to go lust after Robbie, the street urchin Mary used to date that you've agreed to live in the house.  
  
Eric: I'm sorry, honey, it's just that we don't know the boy and Aaaahahhhh!  
  
[Exit Lucy]  
  
Eric: You know, I thought tonight, alone, we might..  
  
Annie: Keep it up, preacher-boy, and I'll put the electrodes back in a place you won't like. Now go back into the basement while I cook dinner. If you behave I'll let you like the grease out of the chicken bowl. But don't expect any of my food.  
  
[Enter Ruthie]  
  
Ruthie: Even though I'm only 11, I'm the one who is supposed to come at the end of the show and ask leading questions that reveal some truth of the situation to the adults. Similarly I have secrets about every member of the family.  
  
Annie: Well, what secrets do you have for us today?  
  
Ruthie: Well, Dad likes to put on your underwear when you're not home, and  
  
Happy likes to take dumps in the fireplace.  
  
Annie: Oh ho ho. Even though you didn't say anything funny, my inexplicable mood swings cause me to laugh. Hahaha!  
  
Eric: Yes, Ruthie, you're just wonderful. I can see the moral of the story now.  
  
Annie: Oh really, Eric, and what is that?  
  
Eric: That deep down, we're all a really happy, normal family.  
  
Annie: Guess again.  
  
Eric: Aaahhh!  
  
END 


	2. Eric Camden's Wedding Homily

Eric Camden's Wedding Homily  
  
Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to see that this man and this woman might be joined in matrimony. It was many years ago that I first was brought by Annie, my wonderful and loving wife into marriage. I remember like it was yesterday how loving she was when she told me we were getting married, ane when she told me which tuxedo to wear for the wedding, showed the chapel, and told me which members of my family were going to be in the wedding. I was so excited when I learned that she had chosen one of my former bandmembers to be my best man. It was truly a happy day.  
  
Married life has been blissful for me, as I am sure it will be for you both. Young man, you may think it difficult at first to say goodbye to the friends that your wife has not chosen for you, but I assure you that the friends she says you can have will be wonderful. I know the friends Annie has chosen for me have been very good to me and her both.  
  
My wife's love and care for me has only grown through the years. When children first came into our life, I feared that their introduction into our life might make conflict between us. At first it did, such as the time when I foolishly questioned my wife after she had rightfully punished Baby Matt for playing with the wrong children at his baby play group. I was so naïve then that I didn't even realized that 6 month old babies were capable of choosing their playmates, and objected to her taking him away from the toys. When Annie let me out of the basement later that week, however, I realized the error of my ways and was willing to yield to her obviously superior point of view. I had to yield, you see, because marriage is a 2 way street.  
  
Children, I hope, will bless you both as you live your married life in many an unexpected way. At first I questioned the wisdom of allowing Robbie, the felonious boyfriend of my daughter, living in our house with us, as did Annie, especially when romance bloomed between him and Lucy, my other daughter. My loving wife, though seemed to have solved that problem, however, simply by spending a few minutes alone with him in his room. He howled after that conversation, but I'm certain it was a howl of delight. He totally changed his ways. For insrance, it was at that time that Robbie joined the church choir, as a soprano.  
  
You will find that when you are blessed with children, they occasionally need guidance. I remember like it was yesterday when Mary once became lost at the shopping mall. It was quite frightening to her, and she wandered the mall for hours and even feared she might be lost for days! Ah, the innocence of young children. We found her, however, after only a short while, however, and indeed she seemed to have forgotten the incident by the time of her High School graduation that Saturday.  
  
Beloved, allow me to break the fourth wall, if this were a stage play, and tell you that the email address of the author of this homily is FunnyHatUS@yahoo.com. Thank you.  
  
And you will see that marriage is a partnership in raising children. When my other son Simon went out on a date one Friday evening, for example, I was dismayed when Annie informed me that we did not approve of the object of his affection. I would have not known this if we had not been part of a loving partnership. When he went out with the young lady again the next night, we again formed a team, and while I am taller than Annie I agreed that it made the most sense for me to be the one in the trunk of Simon's car because her smaller size would be easier to climb through the young lady's bedroom window and hide under her bed.  
  
Yes, you embarking on a blissful adventure. I promise that in a few years, you will not only have lost the will to run away and live in another country, you will have lost the mental capacity to wish for such a thing either.  
  
May I have the chains. I'm sorry, I of course mean may I have the rings.. 


	3. A Very Serious Scene in Glen Oak Hospita...

Scene: Glen Oak Hospital  
  
[Enter Matt, a doctor]  
  
Matt: I've made some major decisions in my life, and I've realized that what I really need to do is to change this hospital so it helps the people of Glen Oak more. It's a crime that this hospital refuses to serve the underprivileged community of Indian circus elephants in this city. I'm going to make a change to that. You'll see!  
  
Doctor: Um, what? And when did you decide this?  
  
Matt: When I was cleaning Mrs. Jones' bed pan. Actually, you know, it's too bad that the bed pans aren't good here. I think what this hospital needs are bed pans that are made of studier material. I'm not going to rest until I convince the administration that we need bed pans made from Javanese teak wood. I bet I can find someone with connections an Indonesian exporting company. You'll see!  
  
Doctor: Do what you like, just make sure you have mopped this hallway before you leave tonight.  
  
[Exit Doctor, enter Reverend and Mrs. Camden]  
  
Matt: Hi Mom, Hi Dad. I have some important news to tell you.  
  
Reverend: What's that, son?  
  
Mrs. Camden: Quiet! Did I say you could speak?  
  
Reverend: Sorry. Aaah! I thought you disconnected the electrodes?  
  
Mrs. Camden: Not the ones I had Ruthie surgically implant in your chest.  
  
Reverend: Ruthie knows surgery? Ahhh!!  
  
Matt: Mom, let me just say I'm really glad you let Dad out of the basement today.  
  
Mrs. Camden: Oh, honey, don't worry about your father and me. We're doing just fine. Right, Eric?  
  
Reverend: May I answer, or will you shock me.. Ahhh!!  
  
Mrs. Camden: Anyway, we're here to pick up Mary from her appointment. Do you know where she is?  
  
Matt: No. But let me tell you what I'm going to do to change this place. I've decided that it's unfair that people have to wait in those uncomfortable couches when they sit in the waiting room. So I'm going straight to the administration, and I'm going to insist, insist! That our waiting rooms are equipped with full sized mechanical rodeo bulls - as seen in Urban Cowboy. You'll see!  
  
[Enter Doctor]  
  
Doctor: Excuse me, what about the teak wood and elephants?  
  
Mrs. Camden: Doctor, I'll have you no that nothing is going to get in the way of my son when he is on a mission!  
  
Doctor: Ahh!  
  
Reverend: When did Ruthie put electrodes in this doctor?  
  
Mrs. Camden: We had the staff of this hospital locked in our basement for a time. Anyway, did I say you could speak?  
  
Reverend: Ahh!  
  
Doctor: I'm outta here.  
  
Mrs. Camden: Not so fast!  
  
Doctor: Oh right, I suppose you want me to mention that the author of this little parody has the email address FunnyHatUS@yahoo.com, and the website is www.geocities.com/funnyhatus.  
  
Mrs. Camden: And?  
  
Doctor: And you are the most wonderful and caring woman in the entire city. Ahhh!!!! Sorry, in the entire United States.  
  
Mrs. Camden: Better.  
  
[Exit Doctor. Enter Mary]  
  
Mary: Hi Mom, Hi Dad, Hi, um,  
  
Matt: Matt.  
  
Mary: Right, due to the fact that my brain is unable to carry more than 10 bits of information at a time, I forgot what your name was. Now that you've told me that, I forget what that man's name is.  
  
Reverend: I'm your Dad.  
  
Matt: You know, I think this hospital isn't treating people like you well enough. I'm going to write to the president of this hospital, and we're going to see to it that everyone who is treated here will have their names tattooed to their foreheads in English, as well as with Cyrillic letters. I'm going to do it. You'll see!  
  
Mary: That statement was of little or not interest to me, because it didn't involve the use of any skincare products.  
  
Mrs. Camden: Enough about that. Have you found a job yet, Mary?  
  
Mary: Yes, I have finally made a decision. I have decided to become an accountant for a band of traveling Chinese acrobats I met last week.  
  
Mrs. Camden: That's great honey!  
  
Reverend: I hate to rain on your parade, but you do realize that being an accountant means you'll have to learn to read.  
  
Mary: No way, I head it only involves counting. I am a whiz at that, thanks to some people I like to call my fingers and toes. Oh yeah.  
  
Reverend: You are correct, I am sorry to have doubted you.  
  
Matt: You know, I've decided that what this hospital really needs to do is provide financial and astrological services services to its patrons. I am going to call up the head of this place and insist that John Edwards from Crossing Over be hired at a full salary starting tomorrow! You'll see!  
  
Mary: This conversation is totally lacking in focus. Unless you people are going to start discussing me, or at least my personal romantic life, I am going to leave.  
  
Mrs. Camden: Sorry, honey, let's go to the corner store and I'll let you know who I've picked out for you to marry, and also where I have planned for you to live and what your children will be named.  
  
Mary: Goodie! How many children will I have?  
  
Mrs. Camden: Ah ah ah! Not till we get to the corner.  
  
[Exit Mrs. Camden, Mary]  
  
Reverend: At least, I'm free! Ahh!  
  
[Enter Mrs. Camden]  
  
Mrs. Camden: I suppose you thought I didn't put long distance transmitters in these things. Come along now. You come too, Matt.  
  
[Exit Mrs. Camden, Reverend Camden, Matt.] 


	4. Ruthie Parle Francais

Scene: Camden living room  
  
[Enter Eric, Annie]  
  
Eric: We have to talk. I am afraid that Ruthie is having some troubles.  
  
Annie: Oh?  
  
Eric: Yes. I'm afraid she claims to be Louis XIV of France, the Sun King, and is ordering various members of the family to be banished from the house.  
  
Annie: That sounds wonderful, dear! I am so happy to be your wife! Hee!  
  
Eric: What?  
  
Annie: Last season I was evil all the time, so to make up for it, I'm always happy now. Hee! Will you kiss me?  
  
[Enter Ruthie]  
  
Eric: Hello, Ruthe..?  
  
Ruthie: Good morning, servant. Fetch me some venison stew.  
  
Eric: Um, Ruthie?  
  
Ruthie: Silence, impudent servant! Je suis roi! Je suis la France! L'etat, c'est moi!  
  
Annie: Ruthie, your father and I are a little concerned about you. Because we love you so much, you see.  
  
Ruthie: Mon dieu? Qui est cette femme qui addresse le roi?  
  
Eric: Did you teach her these phrases?  
  
Annie: I'm going to go bake cookies for everyone. Bye.  
  
[Exit Annie]  
  
Eric: Now Ruthie, you know how much we care about you, and love you.  
  
Ruthie: Off with his head!  
  
Eric: Now Ruthie, where did you get the idea that you were the dauphin?  
  
Ruthie: Am I not treated like royalty at all times in this house? Can I do virtually anything here and not be punished? Je suis roi! Tout le monde regarde moi comme chef!  
  
Eric: Ruthie, dear, I think that you need to have someone talk to you. I'm going to call on our mentally unstable friend, who we call Doc.  
  
[Enter Doc]  
  
Doc: Hey Eric, hey Ruthie. How are ya?  
  
Eric: Doc, isn't it a big coincidence that you show up just when I said your name?  
  
Doc: With all the logical inconsistencies in this show, that's what you're going to pick on? Let's see what the problem is. Hmm, Ruthie thinks she is the king of France, right?  
  
Eric: You always know just what to say.  
  
Doc: Well, maybe she is the king of France.  
  
Eric: What?  
  
Doc: Have you met the king of France?  
  
Eric: What? No?  
  
Doc: Well then, maybe she's the king of France.  
  
Eric: What? That makes no sense at all.  
  
Doc: Well, whatever, just trying to help. You better go, because it looks like she has set up a guillotine to execute Happy, your dog.  
  
Eric: Oh my! Where did she get that? And doesn't she know that guillotining is more associated with revolutionary France?  
  
Doc: I don't really know. But before I go, I just want to say that this little parody was written by someone with the email address FunnyHatUS@yahoo.com. And there's a website at www.geocities.com/funnyhatus. Ok, bye.  
  
[Exit Doc]  
  
[Enter Simon]  
  
Simon: Dad, it's no fair. How can you let Ruthie execute Happy? You would never let me do something like that! Rather than assuming that she's doing this without your permission, I'm going to sulk upstairs in my room and act hatefully toward you. Then I think I'll try and get in with the "cool" kids at school, who actually look like dorks.  
  
[Exit Simon]  
  
Ruthie: Alors, ou est le chien?  
  
Eric: Ruthie, you have to put that guillotine away. It wouldn't work anyway, because it's made of tin foil and shoe laces.  
  
Ruthie: Silence!  
  
Eric: Ruthie, we're almost at the end of the episode, do you think you could quickly just realize the error of your ways, and explain that you are learning?  
  
Ruthie: Hmm, I don't know. How about we compromise, and you find some random person to live in our house?  
  
Eric: Well, since you were on this French thing, how about Napoleon Bonaparte?  
  
Ruthie: Sounds good.  
  
[Enter Napoleon]  
  
Napoleon: Bonjour, citoyens.  
  
Eric: Now, Napoleon, you know I love you like my own son, but if you're going to live in this house, you're going to have to stop invading other European countries and what not.  
  
Napoleon: I'm sorry, I just have lived in difficult situations my whole life, and don't know how to act properly. Please. Please! Help me to reform myself, Reverend Camden!  
  
Eric: Ok. You can start by going to get ice cream with me.  
  
Napoleon: You mean, you want me to help you spy on Mary?  
  
Eric: Exactly.  
  
[Exeunt all] 


	5. Mary, avec un nouveau beau

Scene: Camden Living Room. Rev. and Mrs. Camden seated  
  
Enter Mary and a man  
  
Reverend: Hi Mary! Um, well, how are you? Who is this/  
  
Mary: This is my new boyfriend. I hate both of you, because you will both try and dissuade him from going out with me.  
  
Reverend: That's a pretty big word for you to be using, Mary.  
  
Mary: Dissuade?  
  
Reverend: Actually, I meant "is."  
  
Mrs. Camden: Mary, why don't you tell us who your boyfriend is?  
  
Mary: I hate how you always boss me around! I'm leaving, and am moving to another state. That's it! I'm going to San Francisco.  
  
Reverend: Well, Mary, you know, San Francisco is a city and not a state, and it's in California, which is the same state we are in now.  
  
Mary: Oh, Dad, you are so right! I'm so sorry! I'll never doubt you again. Let's have a tearful reckoning. I still plan to resent the rest of the family, however, for not particular reason.  
  
Reverend: Right. So who is the boyfriend?  
  
Mary: Oh right. This is Charles de Gaulle, former President of France and a leader in the French resistance during the War. He didn't say which war that was, though. I think things will work out well between us, even though he's about 90 years older than I am, and has been dead for a number of years.  
  
De Gaulle: Bonjour, Monsieur et Madame. Comment allez-vous?  
  
Mrs. Camden: Umm, Mary, let's have a talk in the other room. K?  
  
[Exit Mary, Mrs. Camden]  
  
Reverend: Well, Charles, how did you and Mary meet?  
  
De Gaulle: Ensemble, nous allons achever le victoire! Vive la France libre!  
  
Reverend: So you met at the library? Is that what you said?  
  
De Gaulle: Qui est cet idiot?  
  
Reverend: You know, I think you need to come live with us now. I think that's the only way for things to work out for the best.  
  
De Gaulle: D'accord, Papa.  
  
Reverend: See, you're already calling me, Papa. I love you like a son. You can live in the room above the attic, which is free now that Lucy's last boyfriend David went back to hosting the Late Show.  
  
[Enter David Letterman]  
  
Letterman: Hi Dad!  
  
Reverend: David! What are you doing here? I thought you went back to New York?  
  
Letterman: I did, but somehow I felt it was best to drop in on you. I wanted to mention that the author of this little parody has the email funnyhatus@yahoo.com, and has a website with the URL www.geocities.com/funnyhatus. Can I mention that?  
  
Reverend: Sure.  
  
Letterman: Hey, what is Charles de Gaulle doing here? I bet he's going to try and move in on Lucy! Hey!  
  
Reverend: Sorry, Letterman, you broke up with her. Time for you to go.  
  
[Exit Letterman]  
  
[Enter Lucy, Mrs. Camden]  
  
Mrs. Camden: General de Gaulle, I know this won't be easy, but I think it's best if you don't go out with Mary any more. Right Mary?  
  
Mary: I'm sorry Charles, but I went out with you because I was on the rebound from my other 17 boyfriends this week. Dad, can he move in above the attic?  
  
Reverend: Yes, and not only that, I want him to deliver the sermon next week at church. How's that sound, Charles?  
  
De Gaulle: Vive la France! Vive la Liberte!  
  
[end] 


	6. In which we meet another resident of the...

Scene: Camden Kitchen  
  
Enter Ruthie, unidentified male  
  
Ruthie: Who are you?  
  
Male: I am one of your sister's bland, generic, monotone-speaking boyfriends who now lives in your house. Also, I have a square jaw.  
  
Ruthie: Which sister?  
  
Male: Does it matter?  
  
Ruthie: Not really. I'm going to give you some "plucky" advice in any case, and solve your problems. You might think it difficult for a 12 year old to be able to solve any problems posed to her by adults, but considering that Glen Oak, California is populated entirely by near-imbeciles, it isn't as hard as you think.  
  
Male: I see. Have you seen your sister? I was looking for her so I could be relentlessly henpecked about how much I don't really love her, even though I moved 3000 miles, disrupting my life, and now live with her in her parents' house.  
  
Ruthie: She's upstairs sulking about how much she misses her old boyfriend. Have you seen my mother?  
  
Male: No, but I'm hoping to avoid her, because I think she's angry with me.  
  
Ruthie: What makes you say that?  
  
Male: She threatened to feed me nothing but jalapeno peppers and drop all my clothes in toilet water when I said I thought your brother Simon had gone to a party she didn't know about.  
  
Ruthie: Oh, she's just having one of her moods. I'm sure she's manically happy now, and is making unwanted romantic overtures to my terrified father. She may be onto a new psychosis, though.  
  
[Enter Annie, Ruthie's mother]  
  
Annie: Greetings, comrades. The people's revolution is nigh!  
  
Ruthie: Yes, I guess she is.  
  
Annie: Ruthie and, erm, what's your name again?  
  
Male: I'm the guy who lives in your house?  
  
Annie: Oh right. Well I'll just call you Generitoid. Anyway, I'm on my way to my meeting of the Glen Oak Communist Party. If the General Secretary calls, can you tell him I'm on my way?  
  
Ruthie: You know, Dad being a minister and all, he probably isn't too keen on communism, you know, with the "religion is the opiate of the people" and so on?  
  
Annie: He won't complain, believe me. Not after what I did to him the last time.  
  
Ruthie: Anyway, I'll take care of the "boys." When are you going to admit that they aren't kids but are 43 year old midgets who you have been keeping in the basement this whole time, teaching them to speak by showing them episodes of Teletubbies?  
  
Annie: Midgets isn't the nice word for them, Ruthie. You know better.  
  
Ruthie: What is?  
  
Annie: Minions. Anyway, I'm going now.  
  
[Exit Annie]  
  
[Enter Eric, Ruthie's father]  
  
Eric: Is she gone?  
  
Male: How long have you been hiding under the sink?  
  
Eric: Only for a few hours. I didn't want Mrs. Camden to see me. How are you, Generitoid?  
  
Male: If I was real person I would object to that name, but considering that I'm a drone-like automaton with no acting skills, I'll just do a weird sort of frown.  
  
Eric: Yes, well I'm going out for ice cream now, but before I go I just wanted to say that the author of this parody has the email address FunnyHatUS@yahoo.com, and has a website at www.geocities.com/funnyhatus.  
  
Ruthie: Somebody says that in almost every chapter of this book, isn't it getting a bit unrealistic and repetitive?  
  
Eric: Well, how does that differ from the real 7th Heaven?  
  
Ruthie: Good point. Well, time to end this.  
  
[Exeunt all]  
  
END 


	7. Additional Activity, Chez Camden

Scene 7 In which the Camdens have guests, and much kissing occurs  
  
Scene: Camden Kitchen Enter Mrs. Camden, Reverend Camden  
  
Reverend Camden: So, what's for dinner tonight? Do you know if we will be having any guests?  
  
Mrs. Camden: We are having my delicious and nutritious potroast tonight, and Ruthie is bringing over her friends Susan and Jane. I thought it might be good because they could meet our twins, age 2, who are getting older and strangely haven't started dating yet. As I'm sure you would agree dating is the most important thing for our children to be considering at this age, don't you think so?  
  
Reverend Camden: Well, actually..  
  
Mrs. Camden: If you don't agree with me, I will lock you in the basement for the next week and manage to blame you for it, because I am a totally irrational moron.  
  
Reverend Camden: Then I agree. In fact, I'm a little worried at the unusually large volume of non-dating conversation I have heard in the children's bedrooms. I know this because of course I spy on the constantly.  
  
Mrs. Camden: Do you think you could go to the store and buy some milk? We are low. Also, while your out see if you can find a man in his 20s who is unrelated to us to live in our house for a few weeks. Also, it's been at least 15 minutes since someone has jumped from casual dating to discussing marriage, so could you bring along some unrelated and unmarried people to live here too?  
  
Reverend: That is totally preposterous. It is of course true that we have Lucy and Kevin living here, who are married but related to us, and we have had Robbie, Chandler, Roxanne, Cecilia, and Ruthie's current odd boyfriend, who live here (or virtually live here) but are not married, the idea of married people living here who are unrelated to us is absurd.  
  
Mrs. Camden: You are of course right. Were this last season I would go into an unrelenting and irrational tirade against you for no reason, but this season I have become "sweet" and will only help no matter what.  
  
Reverend: But you just threatened to lock me in the basement 5 seconds ago.  
  
Mrs. Camden: True, but you deserved that.  
  
[Enter Man]  
  
Mrs. Camden: Why hello person unknown to me who is roaming freely through my house. May I help you in some way, by feeding you a cookie perhaps?  
  
Man: No, actually my role is to inform you that kissing has not occurred on screen in the last 15 minutes, and the writers of this program require kissing to occur at least 6 times per episodes.  
  
Mrs. Camden: Well, who would like to kiss?  
  
Man: Preferably a divorced woman in your church, but if need be, Happy the Dog.  
  
Mrs. Camden: Happy is trying to get dates on the promenade right now. Would you like us to go and stalk him?  
  
Man: No thank you. I would instead like to say that this particular scene was written by someone at the email address FunnyHatUS@yahoo.com, and there is an associated website that hasn't been updated in some time but is still there at www.geocities.com/funnyhatus.  
  
Mrs. Camden: Thank you. Please resume roaming through our house. May we include you in our lives for a while and then contact you via split/screen phone call every few episodes?  
  
Man: No, I am now planning to become a criminal and schoolteacher on Boston Public.  
  
[Exit Man]  
  
Mr. Camden: Who was that?  
  
Mrs. Camden: One of Simon's friends, probably. Anyway, where are our twins?  
  
Mr. Camden: I'm sure they're fine. I saw them getting out the table saw a few minutes ago. I guess they're having fun.  
  
Mrs. Camden: Well, that's fine, just make sure to get them here in time for the Holiday Dating Season.  
  
Mr. Camden: Oh, you mean when we harass people in the town to make ourselves feel better?  
  
Mrs. Camden: No, that's the Annual Community Service Sermon Season.  
  
Mr. Camden: Oh right. Say, you know what we haven't done in a while? Bowling. You know what else? We haven't been shocked at the fact that everyone in our town are horrible, unrepentant racists and hate all Muslims.  
  
Mrs. Camden: You are right. Ahh, isn't it much nicer with me being sweet and helpful all the time? Much better than last year! Ha ha ha ha.  
  
Mr. Camden: Yes, true. Will you be even more helpful and move to another state, like everyone else on this show? I think I could really enjoy that.  
  
Mrs. Camden: Ha ha ha. No, but I will be denying you food for the next month. Let's kiss to make up our quota.  
  
[Enter Lucy, Kevin]  
  
Lucy: Hello, devoted parents. May I act like an irate child in front of you and complain about my uncaring husband?  
  
Kevin: I. don't. know. what. you. are .talking? about. Luce?  
  
Lucy: I am upset that he did not come home and paint my toenails as he promised because he was conducting "law enforcement" or "police work" or something.  
  
Mr. Camden: Lucy, now you know that just because the GlenOak Police Department's entire purpose is to chase down our children's boyfriends and girlfriends, that it is important for Kevin to do his job.  
  
Lucy: No, I fail to understand because my brain lacks the power to think of anyone besides myself.  
  
Mr. Camden: Well, that is too bad.  
  
[Enter Cecelia]  
  
Cecelia: Hello, Camden Family. Even though I have not purpose on this show, I thought I'd show up.  
  
Mrs. Camden: Oh, you have a purpose. For instance, you could announce that this scene is over!  
  
Cecelia: True! This scene is over. I do have a purpose here!  
  
[Exeunt] 


	8. In which the Camdens have a new guest

Scene 8, In which Simon comes back to the Camden house, and much toast is made

Scene: Camden kitchen, enter Mrs. Camden and Rev Camden.

Mrs. Camden: Oh, I'm so excited that Simon is coming back. I have missed him since he left for school. I am also very any at you because of this. Do you realize that I have only been able to stalk Ruthie and her boyfriend since Simon left?

Rev. Camden: My fault? What did I do to make Simon go?

Mrs. Camden: Nothing, but as usual I plan to blame you for everything in a fit of hormonally driven rage. Now, have you seen the twins?

Rev. Camden: Yes, I believe we left them upstairs unattended, after you locked me in the basement and went to the promenade.

Mrs. Camden: Oh yes. When you mention the twins, my dangerously uncontrollable mood swings to inexplicable giddiness. Whee! What fun! I love you, Eric Camden!

[doorbell]

Rev. Camden: I'll get it.

Mrs. Camden: How dare you? Sit down right now and make toast like I asked.

Rev. Camden: You never asked me to make toast?

Mrs. Camden: Quiet! You're only making it harder on yourself.

[Enter Man]

Man: Hello, I'm not a relative of yours, or even an acquaintance. I'm just a random person who was walking down the street and thought I'd walk in here and see if I could get you to give me a dinner and let me live in your house for a while, and hopefully date one of your daughters.

Mrs. Camden: Of course you can stay! I'm not sure about how free any of my daughters are to date, but it's possible I can figure something out before the big Holiday Dating Season begins!

Man: Ah, yes, the Holiday Dating Season. Nothing says "the Holidays" to me like going out on dates. May I mention that the author of this little scene has the email , and that you should write to him if you want?

Mrs. Camden: No you may not. If you're going to live in this house, you're going to live by my rules. And that means talking about our soldiers in Iraq.

Man: Huh?

Rev. Camden: Don't question her.

[Enter Simon]

Simon: I'm back. I decided that my floppy yellow hair won't work outside the promenade, so I'm back. Do you know if any of my various girlfriends are here to resume their relationships with me?

Mrs. Camden: Oh Simon, I'm so angry at you. No, I'm happy to see you! No I'm angry. No I'm happy! Here, meet this guy, who will be living with us for a while. We've decided to give him your room, so you can sleep in the tree house with Robbie, Lucy, her husband and brother in law, and Frank Viola, former major league pitcher who we agreed to let live in our house.

Man: Hi. I have a pregnant woman in my car who would like to be taken to the hospital. Can you do that?

Simon: Yes, but only if I can take her to the promenade to hang out.

[Exit Simon and Man]

Rev. Camden: Ah, everything is happy again once again. Let's go clean up the twins, who by now have graduated high school without us being there.

Mrs. Camden: Yes, because I'm deliriously happy again! Whee!

[exeunt]


End file.
